« "Conflict: Ask Ken": Winning the Tug-of-Wars Over Church Structure | Main | What's Next? Ever Been There? »
Friday, November 12, 2004
Ministering to Manipulators
Do you have anyone in your church that is a manipulator? Maybe it's a board member. Maybe it's a little old lady down the street. Regardless, it can be tough to ministry to a manipulative personality. Brooks Faulkner has an article posted at LifeWay.com that helps address how you might approach your favorite manipulator. Brooks writes,
Three As of the manipulator:
- Attention: He never gets enough, no matter how much you give.
- Affection: She nevers feel enough, no matter how many share their love.
- Approval: He never receives enough, no matter how actions are affirmed.
A manipulator may legitimately need attention, affection, and approval, but as a leader you must prioritize your time.
The Solution: Turn an uncomfortable relationship with the manipulative person into a positive relationship. It’s not easy, but it is possible. Here are five ways to help you.
1. Give needed attention.
Our work as caregivers involves the recognition of genuine need. Giving this person attention is not only a responsibility, but a privilege.
2. Confront gently.
Respond to a person who “dropped in” with, “Good to see you Jim, but you’ve caught me at a bad time. There are some things that are pressing me. Let me call you as soon as I get time. Thanks for understanding.”
3. Respond candidly.
When confronted on an issue, respond with, “It sounds to me as if you need a little education on . . . Let me share a couple of my intentions.
4. Say "No" when you need to.
It is hard for you to say "no" without feeling guilty, but it is necessary for your emotional and spiritual health.
5. Leave change up to God.
Encourage, but don’t expect too much. Leave the rest up to God. He can handle it.
Any thoughts? Ever have to deal with a manipulator in your midst? Would these tips have helped? Leave your comments below...
And have a great weekend!
Todd
Add Your Comments and Ideas now...Pass this post on to a friend now...
Subscribe to RSS Feed | Get Email Notifications on New Posts
November 12, 2004 in Leadership Issues | Permalink
TrackBack
TrackBack URL for this entry:
http://www.typepad.com/services/trackback/6a00d83451dafb69e200d83469905a69e2
Listed below are links to weblogs that reference Ministering to Manipulators:
Comments
I am blown away that no one else has commented on this. This is problem #1 in my church, and there are a bunch of manipulators around.
Posted by: Art Good | Nov 12, 2004 5:30:48 PM
People who see critics or change-makers as "manipulators" would probably also see Jesus that way. How dare He come in here and chase out the money-lenders and vendors! Doesn't He know that all the Rabbi's approve of this? What are His credentials?
Yes, some people always complain. But some ministry leaders also over-react and are too insensitive to receive (or take to heart) any feedback.
Luke 11:45 (Jesus talking)
One of the experts in the law answered him, "Teacher, when you say these things, you insult us also."
...Bernie
http://www.FreeGoodNews.com
Posted by: bernie dehler | Nov 12, 2004 9:35:29 PM
Hmmm,I think it might be needful to point out that mannipulators are not only people that are 'needy'in the emotional sense as delineated above,but are also coercive when they don't get their way,which is where they are the most damaging to the work of the church and personal relationships.I feel a more accurate profile of a mannipulator is one who sets out to achieve his/her own means to fill a percieved need through divisive,subversive,self serving behaviour,bringing about needless accusations and suspicions and casting aspersions and intimidating others until their agenda is served,in the Machiavellian sense.Some might say that what I am profiling is a 'control freak',however,I believe a person can be truly self serving in one's motivation but not a 'in charge','type A',sort;mannipulation is passive-aggressive behaviour,where as the behaviour of the typical type A is active and much less covert.When I think of the biblical story of David's son Jonathan in the early stages of what would later become a more outward rebellion,'mannipulator' is the title I think would best fit him. . .hopefull this post helps.God's best to you all.
Michael
Posted by: Michael | Dec 2, 2004 4:46:13 PM
