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Thursday, July 28, 2005
Conflict? Ask Ken: The Escalating Stages of Unresolved Church Conflict
Introduction
Two intensifying processes take place throughout the stages of unresolved conflict: (1) an increasing personal frustration over the unresolved issue(s), and (2) an increasing negative perception of the character of the other person / people. Church conflict can deteriorate to such an unmanageable level, that barring a miracle, a major rupture within the church is inevitable. The need for a congregation to call upon the services of a conflict resolution specialist before the conflict goes beyond the point of no return can be pivotal to the church's health, well-being, and even functional survival. Consider the escalating stages of unresolved church conflict.
1. (Sometimes) An Uncomfortable Feeling
Something doesn't feel right. You can't quite put your finger on it. Nothing explicit has been mentioned.
2. A Problem To Be Resolved (issue-focused)
An identifiable problem has emerged and dealing with that matter is the focus. The participants are civil and respectful to one another as they each share their perspective. Solutions are proposed and, in most instances, issues are resolved in a calm and collaborative fashion to everyone's satisfaction. But if this is not the case....
3. A Person To Differ With (other person-focused)
The focus of conversation changes from what should be done and what is the best solution, to a debate of who is right and who is wrong. Frustration sets in because the attempt to achieve one's goals is undermined by another. Parties may become more cautious in dealing with each other. The dispute can still be constructive if the parties make a greater effort to see the other person's point of view. On the other hand, if the matter is not resolved, the situation can easily deteriorate into destructive conflict.
4. A Dispute To Win (issue-focused, greater intensity)
Collaboration wanes. Other issues adding to the conflict often appear, confusing matters. Disputing parties communicate less to each other and more about each other with those who take their respective side. And while there may not be an intent to hurt one's opponent, it often results. Because the overriding goal is for one's needs to be met or interests to prevail, there appears to be less concern about how that affects others, further exacerbating the conflict. One side comes to believe that the other cares little about them. As one side seeks to achieve it's goals, the other side feels like their interests are being all-too-readily dismissed or sacrificed. Action then begets counteraction. The longer this conflict remains unresolved, the more a person's own identity comes into play.
Discussion
Additional stages of escalating church conflict will follow in the next two weeks. In the meantime, what is your opinion on Ken’s concept that escalating conflict can be reduced to the intensifying of two processes: an increasing personal frustration over the unresolved issue(s), and an increasing negative perception of the character of the other person / people?
On a more personal level, can you describe for the rest of us church conflict you have witnessed or been a part of in terms of how it began? What were the early stages of its development? May we learn from each other what to be on the look-out for!
FOR OTHER ARTICLES BY KEN ON CHURCH CONFLICT... click here
FOR OTHER ARTICLES BY KEN ON "THE NEWBERGER PROJECT... click here
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© 2005 Kenneth C. Newberger
Ken Newberger, an experienced church conflict resolution and development specialist, earned his Th.M. from Dallas Theological Seminary, has ten years senior pastoral experience, and is in the dissertation phase for his Ph.D. in Conflict Analysis and Resolution at Nova Southeastern University, one of only two accredited doctoral programs of its kind in the United States. If your church needs help resolving conflict, if you need individual coaching, or if you would like to develop a communicatively healthy church, please visit Ken's website at www.ResolveChurchConflict.com or call 301-253-8877.
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Comments
Excellent article. I wish our church had hired a specialist - we got asked too leave our paid positions because anger had built up at the senior pastor. He deceided to have a board meeting and replace his youth pastor, and children's pastor because we asked for more money. the pastor had said from the beginning that we would be given an increase in pay when the church grew in numbers, but that never happened, Thanks for the article!
Posted by: Robert | Jul 28, 2005 12:33:07 PM
I just went through this recently. After being "burned" so many times myself in ministry, I had great aspirations for the first staff member that I would have the privilege in which to work. But things went wrong quickly. A couple approached me early on that had an issue with the new guy. Because of their abraisive nature, I and my wife volunterred to "go to" the couple (probably my first mistake!)and speak about a few things. We truly prayed and asked for the right spirit as we went.
The couple seemed to have received things well . . . but they didn't. I found out that others (good friends of theirs) discovered that they could not talk with the couple either. Like the artcle mentions, "an increasing negative perception of the character of the other person / people" became evident. His "challenges in the ministry" became more and more evident. No one likes being told what to do or how to do it so I tried to back off as much as I could. What a mess!
I tried on several occasions to make sure things were ok with our relationship. I felt like the new guy wasn't honest with me. I found out that he was talking behind my back to church members about his conflict with me (which he promised he would never do!).
After catching him in over a dozen lies, and his lack of preparation for his job, things got worse. He never even put in 15 minutes of time in the church office during regular office hours. . . something that was spelled out to him before he took the job. After my many attempts failed at explaining the problems - with no changes!- Two other men were involved, at the new guy's request. The items brought to his attention was received in a defensive manner, with no admittance of any wrong doing (He NEVER admitted to anything he did wrong- specifically - just phrases like "we all have sin"). Things still did not change so the issue was brought to the personnel committee. They were also frustrated because all that the the new guy agreed to do within the time frame he agreed, he didn't do!
The committee along with the leaders in the church eventually asked him to resign. Instead, he wanted everything to go "before the church." Just what I didn't want (I was made to leave a church after 12 years of service for NOTHING I did wrong- I was banned from the property and not allowed to resign. I never wanted this to happen to someone "under" me!). It was the worst day for the church since I have been here. He finally said (after a 2 hour "meeting") that He felt "God was telling him to reisgn," but said that he would still be at church- which he did. This really caused a problem! We only lost one family over the whole issue, yet we are still recovering. I have reconcilled (at least my end of things) with the former new guy, but he has yet to be honest with me.
I really want to learn from all of this. . . what could I have done to make things better? I know that "they will know we are Christians by our love for one another," but this cenario seemed unreal!
Posted by: JC | Jul 28, 2005 12:42:18 PM
Matthew 18 seems to be such a simple answer to conflict, to me. If people don't confront people head-on (for sin or any problem), then the gossip goes to work,,, building factions and destroying everything in its path...
...Bernie
http://freegoodnews.blogspot.com/
Posted by: Bernie Dehler | Jul 28, 2005 8:58:35 PM
JC
I sympathize. When lying is evident, it seems it is a losing proposition because good Christians can't play the "devil's" game as he doesn't play fair. A lying leader is often accepted...(even though many have been friends for years)...they will choose to believe that person (authority figure, I suppose, or favor with the king??) It is sad that they have the time go go behind your back and pick people off one at a time with slanderous comments against the brethren. You are busy working and are so trusting that you would never suspect a believing Christian is capable of such inappropriate behavior only to learn you were a fool. Fortunately, God has a big score card and this personality though creating havoc often will reap it because what comes out defiles. Caution: Guard your own heart, forgive, and think on things that are pure, good, holy, loving, and not only will your life be a blessing to others, you will get even by living healthy. God Bless! Oh, "Run and don't look back!" (Jeremiah 6)
Posted by: Eight | Aug 4, 2005 4:59:58 PM
Got'a love ya Bernie. I've been watching your posts and well, I've got to agreee on this one. Proverbs speaks to the contentious person as well.
Posted by: Kevin | Aug 5, 2005 8:42:41 AM
